it's good to be free

By Kim Morgan

It strikes me that often being single is portrayed as a negative thing by some media and magazines, hence articles along the lines of "The search for a new partner" or "How to find your dream man". Wouldn’t it be great to read an article about the positive aspects of being single?

It can be fun!

Being single can be a great experience - you get to make all your own decisions, independent thinking, you can go on holiday where you want and be completely selfish about your needs and wants.  You can take 3 hour baths and leave the washing up in the bowl overnight or longer and you get to regain control of the remote control!  How good a feeling is it to know that you have complete freedom? Being financially independent can also be a great thing - you want something, you earn your own money and you go and buy it.  I think that too often people can be left feeling that their current life does not fit in with what society believes is right - i.e. having a partner and 2.4 children.  But if you like being single or even if you don't why not make the most of it and enjoy it?

Niggling little voices

Regardless of your ‘partner status’ meeting new people or taking up a new hobby with a group of strangers can hold the same fears as attending a networking group for a business person.  The same sorts of questions are probably going through their minds -  "What will I say?", "How will I integrate into the group?", "What can I do to make myself seem more interesting?", "How will I come across to others?", "What if everyone knows each other and I am left out?"  "What if nobody speaks to me?" and of course "What shall I wear?"  Lots of anxieties can come out when approaching something new and rather than getting excited about what a great time we might have, there can be a tendency to think in more negative terms along the lines of ‘what if this happens?’ and ‘what if that happens?’

This little voice inside can be very destructive but yet it has very little power if you actual question your thoughts. Turn your negative statements into a positive, more useful version. This is called Re-Framing, i.e. looking at something in a more resourceful and positive way.
So, ‘What if nobody speaks to me?’ could become ‘I am pleased to be going as I will meet some really nice people’. Already, this seems a much nicer idea – even if you don’t believe it yet, try it on for size.

Or how about; ‘I look really obvious being here on my own’. Have you ever been in a relationship but gone somewhere on your own? Did you feel just as obvious and single then? All that is different is your frame of mind.

Be confident

When you are going to attend something new, try to visualise it beforehand. So, say with a networking group, imagine yourself walking in tall and confident, looking smart and professional.  See yourself going up to a group of people and introducing yourself and they are friendly and welcoming.  Then see yourself looking relaxed and talking and laughing with others.  Finally imagine yourself getting into the car coming home and thinking what a great session it was and that the outcomes you wanted were achieved.

Positive Thought Processes

This principle works by awakening your positive thought processes and activating your Reticular Activating System (RAS). Your RAS is your minds little helper. It decides what your mind will and won’t process. So if you are used to concentrating on the negative your mind may well often find the negative in most situations.
Have you ever bought an unusual coloured item thinking ‘oh, I have never seen this before’ and then within a week you see 10 of the same thing? Or have you read or heard a name/word that you have not heard before and then suddenly it crops us everywhere? Again, this is your RAS allowing you to select this information.

What will you do with your RAS? Why not use it to start noticing all the people that smile at you in day, the amount of single people there are walking about, notice your favourite things, notice what’s right with the world. Do this for a week and you will be amazed at the up-turn in your fun and good fortunes! 

By Kim Morgan of The Coaching Circle (www.coachingcircle.co.uk)

Tel: 01530 223485