aBSTINENCE DOESN'T MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER

Relentlessly Positive's POSITIVE weight loss Guru Sue Thomason is back again - and this week she is looking at the thorny issue of what to do when it seems like everyone else around you is obsessed with dieting..

Sue spent 20 years as a journalist on national newspapers and women’s magazines, such as Now, Woman, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s Own, Woman’s Realm, Mizz, Essentials, Bella, Best, Chat, The Daily Telegraph and more. She has been a scriptwriter, a film maker and a broadcaster for ITN. She is now a motivation coach and she spends her working day helping people to set themselves free from the overeating trap by teaching The Food Philosophy online.

She knows everything there is to know about the psychology of overeating and she can read your mind - so listen to her!

If you have a question you'd like to put to Sue, or a comment on her advice, e-mail Relentlessly Positive

This week, Sue looks at the twelve step approach and why it doesn't always work...

Dear Sue,

I have been going to Overeaters Anonymous for two years and I’ve made progress around accepting my body size and shape and not trying to control it.

However, I am now feeling very uncomfortable with the 'abstinence' I have developed with my sponsor and feel trapped. I have certain 'no foods' which my sponsor encourages me to stay away from and identify as a 'break of abstinence' if I have those things. As your website says - I have been looking outside of myself for guidance with my food.

The following feels uncomfortable for me at the moment: the term 'abstinence' and breaking it makes me feel I am failing all the time - strictly eating 3 meals a day fills me with anxiety around my meals. "Is it enough?", "too much?", I have to get it right  otherwise its another 4/5 hours until I can eat again and this perpetuates my obsession with food - I constantly feel trapped and frightened of 'breaking my abstinence' and guilty/ashamed when I do. Having certain 'no foods' only makes me want them more. 

Inevitably I often feel deprived and left out at meals and social occasions which is painful - I then frequently go home and binge last thing at night before going to sleep whereby I eat chocolate until I physically can't eat any more. The binging means I do feel I am carrying excess weight which makes me feel uncomfortable about my body size and shape
Gill

Hi Gill,

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with food. I can spot the reason from a mile away. The reason for your problem before you joined OA was obviously dieting. The reason for your (probably worsening) problem now is abstinence.

You’ve pointed out yourself that abstinence makes you feel like a failure and that it makes you anxious and obsessed with food. Also, you find it impossible to stick to the abstinence, just like you will once have found it impossible to stick to a diet. I want you to think about this very carefully:

What is the difference between abstinence and a diet?

You’ll find that there is none. The shame and guilt and anxiety that you’re living with is very treatable and all you have to do is learn how to stop listening to other people about what you should and shouldn’t eat and start deciding for yourself. It’s not so easy to do at first as you’ve probably been looking outside yourself for answers for your whole life.
I’ll give you a free personal assessment if you email me which will give you more specific reasons why you overeat and once you know what they are, you can move on to the next step.